he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
