this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
