You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
