he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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