One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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