Princesses don't give blow jobs
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She bit a glass in half.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
