omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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