I can't breathe out the right side of my face
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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