Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
