You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
