It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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