Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
