This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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