Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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