I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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