someone get that fucking seahorse.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
