I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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