YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
