I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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