A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
