I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...