you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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