I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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