My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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