I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
In America we eat man semen.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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