Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
