is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I want a musical about memes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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