I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
