how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
