Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
