I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
