I wanna passion pit in your ass
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
