she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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