Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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