I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
