Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
