i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
