I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
