walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
