you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
