Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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