she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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