When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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