I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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