the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
