I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
