if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
