I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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