Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
