I cannot find my penis.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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