my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
