Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
