I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
