My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
