So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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