when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
