what day is it and did you see me today?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
